A boy king ponders his defensive options and decides on violence in “Young Caesar 2000.”

Track: “Young Caesar 2000”
Album: Zopilote Machine (1994)

“Young Caesar 2000” is straightforward. A twelve-year-old boy becomes king and his kingdom is vast. He struggles with leadership and fails to establish the level of power and respect that he feels he is due. He establishes a plan which has been effective for as long as people have led other people, which is to say that he’s going to kill everyone who disagrees with him until there’s no one left.

It’s a short song that acts as a critique of blind leadership in both directions. You have to feel for the people who cause the narrator to say “now I’m thirteen and no one takes me seriously.” No thirteen-year-old generally should be taken seriously, and considering our king here ascended the throne at twelve, they likely have a year’s worth of example behavior to support removing him. You also have to feel for the narrator. If someone came to you at twelve and supported the natural solipsism of youth by making you the leader of all the world you knew to exist, wouldn’t part of you feel like it was about time?

The chugging guitar and raspy delivery give “Young Caesar 2000” a revenge song feel. Your first few listens you probably will grin and picture the boy king’s actions. We don’t get to see the actual deeds, but we can assume from history that either the king will succeed in silencing his doubters through violence or he will be usurped by them. Either way, especially with “Caesar” in the name, we know the stakes are high. We also can infer that neither side will win for long, since a society that found a way to crown a boy can find a way to explain a very short rule.